My Crazy Thoughts

The Banana Dance

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 05:48:53 GMT

Laying in bed I was thinking about the Banana Dance and exactly what it means to me. It's a light in the dark. It's one of those things that is so incredibly silly that it can only make you feel alive.

I've been feeling totally down and out lately. Complete trapped in the darkness of my seasonal depression. Swallowed by the big black whole that was coming from the center of my stomach.

For some reason today I started to see light again and feel light again. We are in the dead of winter and as my usual, all I want to do is sleep and hide out. Apparently, a part of me is still fighting back though. I guess that would be my own internal light.

I find it odd to know that I have an internal light. A light that keeps me going unlike anything else. Sometimes though, it fades down so far that even I can't find it hiding out in the pit of my soul.

But oh the Banana Dance that is a light of its own. I guess it makes me miss being silly. I miss having friends to just be completely goofy with. Hanging out eating cookie dough, playing trivial pursuit, listen to any music we can compromise on, try on completely ridiculous clothing, and then scare people and make them think we are crazy while we breaking out in the Banana Dance.

Can you believe Nick thought we were totally crazy when we showed him the Banana Dance? Some crazy girls he had somehow found himself hanging out with. He even avoided us a little. I'd probably have avoided us too though if it wasn't the coolest dance ever. I guess the thing was we were totally alive, completely free and in those moments we were just thrilled to be alive, hanging out together and to be completely without shame, ourselves. I miss my friends

So next time you see me slipping into a whole maybe you should make me do the Banana Dance and you (whoever you is) should join in it really brings the light back into focus.

So this seems to be me writing again. I haven't written in my blog for 71 weeks according to livejournal anyway. That is an incredibly long time. I hope to not leave it for so long again. I missed it. Anyway to all my friends I miss you. I hope this inspires some of you (Meagan and Jenn) to do the Banana Dance and be happy and alive.

my dreams

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:58:27 GMT

I still have dreams, dreams for what I want out of my life. Sometimes those dreams seem so far away from reality. I wish I could figure out the direction I should go in so that in time I can actually attain my dreams.

I dream.... to travel everywhere I want, through the United States to places I didn't know existed or have only seen in pictures. Back to Europe to see where things started before the United States was even a concept, to experience other cultures and perspectives and lives. To South America, to Asia, to Africa and Australia. I want to go everywhere I can fit into my short life.

I dream.... to be married to my soul mate. That one person who truly fits and is my human counterpart. That person is my equal and my strength when mine feels robbed and my inspiration for life.

I dream.... to have two through four children. Each of which I'll love with my whole being and I'll raise them to think for themselves and be kind and generous to everyone. I want at least one boy and at least one girl because boys and girls are so different and both have sooo much to give and share and learn.

I dream.... to have a house with enough yard space to have a garden some place I can relax and enjoy the summers. I want to live some place that has seasons they don't have to be extreme but seasons non the less. I'd also like to have another house in the mountains where I grew up as just a touchstone to my heart. Those mountains where I grew up are my heart they fill me with a deep sense a calm and stability and reason.

I dream.... to be successful in whatever career I choose enough so that no matter what i'll never have to depend on someone else be it my husband or my own children when I get too old to work. I want to stand on my own and always be my own person. No matter what I always want to be able to depend on myself.

I dream.... to see my friends figure out there own lives but always stay in contact.

I guess most of the dreams I've listed are your typical American dream ya know the house the kids the husband the friends and the career. And it can't all be picture perfect because life just isn't. But I want a career that can be hard but interesting. I want to have kids because they are such a joy even when they are a pain in the ass. I want a husband who can be there for me and i can be there for him but I want someone I can always argue with and debate with and sometimes scream out because with all good comes some bad and the bad makes the good that much better. I just want everything and it's so frustrating to wait and try and wait and try and so on. Time doesn't stand still and i want to be young enough to enjoy all of these things...

I just want more.

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 03:47:37 GMT

I'm never satisified and you'd think i'd get used to that fact and just expect it, but I don't. I'm tired of trying, i just want something easy for a while. So my wonderful relationship is hard core on the rocks. He moved in with me but now he's moving back out because he can't handle living on his own. It's too much for him. He's not ready to take that step to independence even though he was so sure he was just 2 and a half months ago. I don't know if i want this anymore, this relationship. I'm not ready to go back to spending most of my time alone. I remember what it was like I'd see him like thursday night and then if i was lucky friday night but usually not again until saturday night and then he'd stay over and get up and leave right away and i'd spend all of sunday alone, after i spent all of saturday day alone. I almost just don't want anything to do with it if it's going to be like that. I don't have to stay here I can go any place else... move closer to work atleast so i stop wasting 120 on gas a month. He claims he loves me and that he loves me more than his career but I don't believe him... his career means so much to him. I don't even know why he wants to be with me. He's too busy for me so what's the point?? He never has time to see me and if i don't stay with him he'll never notice cause he'll be doing school work or freelancing or seeing his friends and family like he should. I'm just an added distraction that he could just be rid of. I want him to have a good life but that good life may no longer include me. I want to be freely happy like i was but how can i be happy when the strings of my heart keep getting all wrapped up in missing him. I just need more. I don't want to go back to being alone with my cat all the time. I love my cat and she makes great company but it's not enough. I'd rather give this all up and just really be alone and not deal with hurting. Yeah breaking up will hurt but that will go away. Waiting and waiting and waiting doesn't make anything better. There has to be more to my life than this, there has to be. I'm tired of waiting for it to show up I guess i need to find it and that just may not include nick.

stupid drivers

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 12:41:35 GMT

I'm not the best driver out there and i'm very willing to admit that, but I don't put my life in danger just to go faster than the car in front of me.

I have to drive on a highway every morning for work and some people can be real assholes. But this morning was the first time in a while that someone really pissed me off. I normally drive a good 10 miles over the speed limit, sometimes faster depending on my mood but 10 over always has me going faster than the right lane and the middle lane so i figure that's a pretty good speed. Now when you feel the need to go 90 in a 55 i think you need to learn how to properly weave through traffic and in a good way so that you don't scare people half to death by your sudden switching of lanes. That annoys me too, when you switch lanes inches from another car. But that's not what i'm complaining about this morning.

I'm complaining about that guy or girl in the car behind you, who wants to go so much faster than you and gets so close to the back end of your car that you can't even see their headlights in your mirror. What the hell is that jack ass behind you going to do if you have to stop? Yes that's right there front end will no longer be inches away it will be in your trunk. Now I'm not angry about them driving faster than me but if you had approached it in a safer manor I would have just switched lanes so that you could go flying by me, assuming that the right lane next to me has room. My general response to people who feel the need to put there heads in my cars ass is to slow down. I'm not going to drive faster at a speed i'm not comfortable with just to satisfy you. I want to make it to work with my car in one piece. Most of the time if your trying to eat my car I'll find a nice big mack truck to slow down next to trapping you next to it because well no one likes to ride next to those things. They are big and if they don't stay in the lines they could slide over and ruin the side of your car.

Alright enough of my rant I need to be working.

More than I had but still not enough

Sun, 20 May 2007 03:08:41 GMT

Well here I am bored on a Saturday night taking a good look at my life so far. It's kind of funny you can reach goals and it still isn't enough. I'm wondering if anything is ever going to be enough to get me to the content point that I'm looking for. I've got a new job which I love it's way better than CVS and I work with some pretty cool people. I've got a newer car, a 2006 Chevy Cobalt. I may be closer to having actual friends in the area not sure, but possible. Yet i'm still not happy. Something is still missing. I guess maybe i just need a good hobby. But then everything else in life tires me out and then who has time for a hobby when your all tired. I need to do something in my life though that makes me feel really really good. This way at night when I come home from work I have something to look forward to. I used to have my roommate I'd come home and we'd talk or hang out and that was great... but being along I have to have more than my cat. So well the only hobby I can think of that's at easy access for now is art. But then I haven't been inspired in months. And then i feel like because i know i haven't been inspired in months it's keeping me from getting inspired kind of like writers block. The more i push myself the farther away it seems. I guess it should just come to me. Next possible choice I think my be finding some place I could do volunteer work. Not sure how I go about finding something like that but well ya never know. Blah I just want to feel content maybe even happy. I just i want more social interaction. I want to feel free inside instead of like a caged animal trying to find a way out. What is it I need but i'm not getting? (Matt don't you dare say I need more sex or anything along those lines) Why do i continue to feel mostly empty?? ... I just want to feel inspired again. Alive and connected. When will what i've got in my life be enough?

Do I?

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 03:41:28 GMT

Something was brought to my attention today. And it's that i criticize but then i can't take criticism. I'm not at all sure if it's true because i often try not to criticize other people. Though i realize i might do it while joking but i don't mean it to be mean i mean it to be a joke and i don't mean it to actual be a truthful thing though i suppose sometimes jokes can have truth. I know once Meagan pointed out to me that i picked on her music and how its all folky and i think something to do with it's relation to religion (not sure anymore this convo happened atleast a year ago) and then i didn't like it when she picked on my music and i agree i was totally wrong for that and i felt awful about it. But is this something i do on a regular basis and not even realize how mean i'm being to my friends and those i care about??? If so to all of you that i've done it to i'm so immensely sorry. And maybe i don't realize i'm doing it if you then joke back with me. If i'm hurting you with my being silly you need to tell me because i can't do anything to fix it if i don't know i'm being hurtful. And then i'm worried that if i am if it's even possible for me to fix it and that scares me. I don't want to hurt people when i'm just trying to be my silly self. And then i know i don't take criticism well atleast not direct criticism. But then i don't think most people like to be made to feel bad about who they are. There are lots of aspects of my own personality that i'm very willing to joke about for one i'm very ADD and i'm a space cadet who can't remember to bring everything she needs with her on a regular basis. I'm often very oblivious to what is going on around me. Thus another reason i may not realize that i'm really truely doing something wrong. Not to make excuses because obviously it's just bad if i do it. But then there are different kinds of criticism too some that are aimed directly at who you are and then there is like work related criticism like oh your filing that thing wrong and this is how you should be doing. I don't know....... I'm sorry though for any hurt i've caused from my personal jokes or silly attitude. I love all of you guys my friends.... I'm sorry.....

Things i've learned about myself.

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 02:05:10 GMT

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days and i've solidly realized some things about myself. One i've very emotionally needy. Which i totally learned or got from my mom and my grandmother but unlike them i try really really hard to bury it. I try to not need anyone and try and do everything on my own so that i don't get used to having people there and so that i can always take care of myself. I'm totally emotional high maintenance in any of my relationships. For one dating me is like being on an emotional roller coaster. I'm happy to depressed and so bottled up and can't express myself. Even my friends have to deal with it most of them don't seem to mind too much but god sometimes i must drive them nuts. So i don't know if it's something i can change or just something about me i have to accept. People need to have a whole lot of love in them to love me... Anyway next thing i've realized about myself. There are things that i am good at but i don't do them because there are other people in my life who are also good at them and i couldn't stand to be not as good or better at that than they are. Straight up photography it's not just that i haven't felt ambitious to go out and do it I just know that i couldn't stand it if they sucked..... because well nick is good at stuff like that.... Lastly i hate it when people don't like me even if it's not my fault. And i guess i don't like it even more when it's not my fault because i can't do a damn thing about it. Well that's it more later maybe if i come up with any other important insights into myself.

better but worse

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 04:46:21 GMT

I thought I was starting to feel better or well i was just excited anyway because I finally found a new job. I don't start for another 2 weeks but it should be good making lots more than what i'm making now. Still not as much as i would like but close enough and with any luck i'll get a raise or move into a better position with time. But so i thought i was feeling better but i'm not. I'm still depressed. I feel lonely maybe? or just still not sure about anything... I still don't have much ambition to do anything. I did go nuts and clean like crazy on monday but it's already a mess here again and i haven't been inspired again to attack the issue. I wish i could maintain a steady moody.... but i'm a girl and what girl's mood stays steady we just have too many hormones. Sometimes i just want to run away from myself. I want to be free i feel so trapped and strapped into my life. I don't know i guess i'm tired. Shutting up... later...

Talentless

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 05:07:49 GMT

I keep stressing out and freaking out because i just can't seem to figure out where i fit in this stupid world. I keep feeling like i'm banging my head against a wall trying to get through but i'm getting aboslutly no where. I watched chick flick tonight "step up" and i found it inspiring and hopeful except it's just everyone in that movie had something that they were just really good at. Yes a lot of that took work but they were still just to begin with really good. I wish i was really good at something anything! Everything i do i'm only sort of good at. Nothing i do is amazing or acceptional. Is it everyone's want to just stand out and be something different?? I'm sure it is but i've never been that. And even if i have in my own way it's never been something that i can really do for the rest of my life that will keep my bills paid and me fed. There is so much i want to do but i feel so trapped by money. And i guess it's kind of by my own choosing. I could give up my apartment go home work to pay for me to travel everywhere i want. Save money just to travel and just go everywhere and try everything. But it sounds lonely... And i do have student loans to pay back. No need to let the bank try and get it out of my gram's who is pretty broke herself and old and she doesn't need that stress. Blah i don't know what to do or where to go and i'm tired of dreaming. Dreaming isn't getting me anywhere since none of my dreams mean much. But then if i don't dream i feel empty. And i don't want to just exsist. Sometimes how depressed i am scares me. It's so scary to feel hopeless and so meaningless. I'm tired of crying I just want to feel better.

To My Friends

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 05:57:28 GMT

So up until this moment i've had sever writers block and mostly because i was busy letting myself sink into a hole and i wasn't really sure how to see my way out of it and well i don't think i really noticed that i was slipping into a hole. So tonight my car my first car ever died. I figure if it's not something major i'll probably sell it other wise i'll see if i can convince a junk yard that it's worth something and hope that they buy it from me. But my car dieing kind of woke me up or scared me so bad that i've found my tongue. I started to pull away a bit from all my friends which meant i stopped texting or trying to call or even talking much online. The more into the hole i went the more i didn't talk to people or the more and more people i stopped talking to anyway. So i realized tonight by way of my mom and my boyfriend that i'm ashamed of myself or disappointed in myself and i guess i started to believe that if i was disappointed in myself then all of my friends, family, and boyfriend must be too. I'm ashamed of the fact that i've been out of college for 9 months and i can't find any better job than CVS/Pharmacy. I'm ashamed of the fact that i've got no direction for once in my life and i don't know how to get any direction. I feel like i've failed or that i'm failing at life, or at least failed at being successful at it. I'm ashamed that i don't know what career I want or where i want to be in 5 or 10 years. I had someone at an interview ask me where i wanted to be in 5 years and i had absolutely no clue at all. I don't know what i'm good at so i don't know what i want to do or what i could do. There is no dream job for me. Funny i think my biggest fear to come out of failing is that i'll end up back home where everyone will talk about me and they wont even be able to hide their disappointment in me. I feel like i'm drowning and there isn't anyone there to save me or help me figure out how to save myself. I know i've got everyone that loves me but i hate for them to watch me fail over and over again. Alright bed time. I need rest it's going to be a long day and then a longer weekend.

Uninspired

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 03:56:56 GMT

I don't know what's up with me tonight. Maybe it's that i'm bored maybe it's that it's already dark out when i get out of work. Or that all i want is to lay on a beach and get a tan instead of have to bundle up in all this stupid sweatshirt junk. It could also be my total lack of inspiration. I haven't done anything majorly artsy in a while. Well atleast nothing that i've gotten totally into. Nothing i can be proud of. I don't even know what i would do. I had to force myself to sit down and work on my grandmothers painting tonight becuase i was supposed to have done it for her for christmas and well that just never happened. I'm going home this weekend or atleast i hope i'm going home this week. But so i have to do this stupid painting of a rooster that i'm just totally not into doing. I went to the art museam in philly this last weekend i was kind of hoping to get some sort of solid inspiration but nothing. I hate winter and i hate the way it makes me feel. I just want to shut down and disapear and i don't even really have anything bugging me. Besides for i feel dull and i feel like my life is going no where. I do have a job interview on friday i guess i'm just scared i'm trapped in this life of working for CVS and never getting anywhere with my life. I want to be proud of myself but right now i'm so not proud of myself. I'm not going anywhere and i hate it. I feel like i'm turning into some stupid idiot with no brain half the time. I want to be outside and free. I hate winter and how it traps me inside. Makes me feel like i'm trapped inside my body. I don't know what's wrong with me i feel like i'm suffercating. =o[ ahhhh....

Holding onto me

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 05:52:58 GMT

So remember how i was saying all those things about how i felt like Nick and i were having issues. Guess what i was so dead on it's crazy. I really need to stop second guessing myself because it seems the things I think are all together too accurate. Anyway it's kind of a good thing that they were so accurate because we talked for like 3 or 4 hours and said a lot of things that we both hadn't been saying. Most of it was negative but it was a positive conversation. I think we both felt like we got a lot off our chests and kind of were able to readjust our view to fit how our relationship is actually doing. So I don't know if it's going to get better and it might but it also might not. I'll face it as it comes and we are back to taking our relationship one day at a time which is what we should have been doing all along. Also we plan on working on keeping up our friendship because well it started to slip and i think that was a big part of the problem. He started thinking of me as just his girlfriend not his friend and i kind of started thinking of myself the same way and because of it i expected him to know what i was thinking which we all know is impossible.

Anyway new topic so i finally got my apartment organized all except for one very small box and that box i think will get stuffed in the closet cause well it's just random odds and ends that i have no idea where would make sence to be put. I worked really hard to finally just it together. I had some motivation from my conversation with Nick. And I guess i needed to remember to be me and not let myself slip into someone i'm not. I know that sounds kind of confusing but i think my apartment was kind of tied into my relationship with Nick. I was losing myself into the relationship and so i stopped being a functioning productive me. I'm really good at losing myself into my relationships. I practically gave up my soul to Alex and i remember when i found it again i felt so incredibly alive. So I need to stay alive and stay Ali and Nick not AlNick. I can still be my own individual self and my relationship self i don't have to give either of them up. =o]

So i'm tired and i'm going to go to bed. I worked hard today. Night all.

hmmm... well it's thanksgiving

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 20:53:28 GMT

So i'm at work. Kinda bored which is why i'm writing a live journal entry. I have another 2 and a half hours to go before i can leave and go relax. I'm making some good holiday pay so it's not so bad being here specially since it's realitivly quiet. Most people should be starting to have dinner about now so i expect it to stay pretty quiet and maybe even get more quiet.

So i'm still doing the emotionally up and down thing. But i'm realizing that ya know what it does help if you actualy ask your friends to listen to your crazy thoughts. So i have to say thanx to Dan for listening to me last night while i cried on the phone about stuff that's probably mostly part of my own imagination. It was helpful anyway. I finally got off the phone did something i should have done before i even got on the phone all upset and then i relaxed and went to sleep. I'm just sooooo stubborn and i hate asking my friends for help even though i shouldn't hate it because i've certainly been there for them enough times so i should take advantage of the fact that they want to be there for me. Also many of them have been there for me a lot to which i totally appreciate. But so I'm going to try really hard to ask for help or someone to listen when i actually need someone to listen. This includes asking Nick to listen even though that is really hard because i fear scaring him off with my crazy back and forth thoughts.

As far as worrying about that stuff i wrote last time that i has to do with Nick i've kind of decided that he can handle me. I think he can handle me being up and down and i think even if we have kind of gotten boring it will still get better we just are slightly in a slump probably due to my seasonal depression and stress and his stress from school. It doesn't make a very good combination for us both to be stressed.

So when i get out of work at 6:00 i'm going over to Nick's grandmothers for dinner. It should be kewl Nick wont be there though cause he has to work at his resturant job. I wonder if they are busy at all. I have to say my job today was slightly more busy than i was expecting and it wasn't even like the people were in for last minute stuff. Many bought make up and other stupid stuff. It's like you left relaxing at home to come here and do that. Kinda weird.

This whole rambling thing isn't getting me very far. I'm still really bored and pretty much now out of stuff to say. So shutting up. Catch ya later.

sigh

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 04:00:07 GMT

I'm feeling pretty blah so maybe this will help. Maybe it will also help if i actually take the time to just write down how i feel everything good or bad. I'm sitting in my apartment trying to convince myself i should work on some of the cover letters i need to do to send out with my resume for jobs but i can't seem to find the motivation and i have to say i'm kind of in a not soo good mood. I feel like my boyfriend is getting bored with me or i'm afriad we are just bored. We haven't done anything new and interesting in a while and that might be because he has no time because he is always doing work. I love that he is so dedicated but well it's making us kinda boring. I don't even know if it's bugging him except that i've barely heard from him since saturday morning. And i spent two nights over there last week being supportive because he was haveing a stress melt down and now i guess i just feel like now that i'm not useful he doesn't seem to have much of a need for me and finds me to be just in the way. I'm sure that my imagination and my over active mind is pretty much the one to blame for all these thoughts cause they probably arn't even acurate thoughts but hell it's how i feel right this second. I miss him doing stupid sweet things. When i first moved here he wrote me a couple things to just make me feel wanted. Maybe i just got too used to him being sweet cause everyone knows the sweetness at the beginning of a relationship never really lasts. Not that i've done anything particularly sweet for him either. Anyway i'm afriad it's all fading and i don't know how to keep it interesting because i can't even keep other parts of my life interesting. I'm still friendless and not sure how to make any friends. I can't seem to push any of the sorta friendships i have into anything further. It's like i need friends to come to me it's so hard for me to make it happen.

Anyway i did pretty well this weekend when i was alone from saturday morning on. I got some work done in my apartment and did some of my own personal projects that i've been meaning to get done. Now my apartment is already starting to slide back in the other direction which sucks and i'm too lazy to fix it and maybe just too blah to want to fix it. I get so see Meg and Jenn in like 2 weeks and i have to say i can't wait. I hope it's fun. I need fun. And i need other stable female mindes around me to counter my own unstable female mind.

I feel like i'm just ranting and not getting anything accomplished. I want this writting to make me feel more connected and less scattered and scared. It may actually be making it worse.

Well this is me for the moment. Slightly discouraged and worried that i'm boring and that my relationship is slipping. but if i worry about it i'm afriad it will just make it worse cause everything was going fine when we were just letting it take it's course but maybe you can't always just let things take their course. Ugh i don't know..... Night

Almost have everything

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 05:01:23 GMT

So my progess toward getting the things i want has been slowly occuring. I've still got a great boyfriend who i have to say is the best guy i have ever dated. I've never had such a functioning relationship or i have but the functioning part of it never seemed to last longer than a couple of months. So we've been well functioning since we started to date so like 5 or 6 months. So i'm impressed anyone else impressed? =o]

I've also managed to move away from home and get my own apartment and pretty much get myself up on my feet. I like my new apartment i'm still working a little bit toward getting it set up. I remember in college i was always good at getting everthing up and decorated before i got any real un packing done well this time it is the opposite i got all the real unpacking done but i've been slacking as far as the decorating the place goes. It'll happen and i still need some work at organization but if i ever got fully unpacked that might help.

So on to the things that i have yet to accomplish because well on my list i've only really managed two major ones. The other ones include finding a better job and well making friends.

So the job search is kind of slow partly because of my lack of ability to be able to respond back to stuff i see in the newspaper becuase i don't have the net or a fax matchine. I guess i should let you all know i did pass the test for the TSA and then they wanted a background check and i sent the info they wanted but now i haven't heard back from them in like 3 weeks. So i think they forgot about me. I care but then again i don't care i kind of would like something that actually uses the fact that i went to college instead of a job that doesn't require me to have that kind of experience becuase otherwise what the heck was the point of me suffering through those 4 years of school. Though i have to say now that i'm not in school i miss it and i miss it alot. So one of my next prorities is find a job that pays me well and uses my college degree. My goal is to find a new job by the start of 2007.

The next goal to be dealt with is figureing out how i make friends when i'm not longer in a school setting. It's not as easy as you might think it is. But i'm starting to get really tired of bitching about not having friends and wish i just had some already or i have to resign myself to just being friendless in Philly. Anyway so if your from philly and you feel you could use some more friends feel free to get to know me i promise i wont mind. You can ask my other friends from home and school i make a pretty good friend most of the time. I'm a little selfish every now and then but arn't we all sometimes. I'm great in the middle of the night if your upset. I'll listen even if it means i wont get much sleep. Also i need someone that will run errands with me cause well errands alone kinda suck. lol So just be a kewl person that can handle a little bit of weirdness and like to run errands lol. That's all i need. =o]

Alright i've rambled enough. Leave me some comments they make me smile. =o]

I've got a home

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 04:05:02 GMT

I wanted to write tonight but then i didn't want to write tonight and well here i am writing tonight. Last time i wrote in here i was stressed out about finding some place to live. I found some place to live and i move in next week so we've dropped that stress. Now i'm trying to find a different job ya know one that will actualy pay me something worth my while. Still having found another that makes my college degree actually worth while but oh well that will happen. I applied for a job with the TSA to work at the Philidelphia internation airport. I've passed the preliminary stuff and now i have to schedule a time to take a 2 and a half hour computerized test. Just what i need a test. I hope it's nothing to exciting or intimidating but they have all of these specifications. I can't bring anything but me to the test and two form of identification. I better bring 3 since with my short hair i look a bit different. It will pay better than what cvs is giving me and hell may even have some pretty kewl benifits mainly i'm hoping some good travel benifits. I love to travel so i could maybe see some new and exciting places when i can actually make time for it. Tomorrow though i'm going into Philly to an open call by model search nyc. Who knows maybe i'll get lucky there. or i wont but whatever worth a shot anyway. I just need to do something that will pay my bills. The needing to pay bills thing is pretty stressful. I hope i can make it.

Well lets move on to other topics like what i've been doing with myself since i haven't been online writing about anything. I escaped home with Nick to Ashley's wedding and it was a non-stop move move move weekend as usual. The wedding was really nice and i was happy to be there. I wish Ashley and i were closer still like we used to be. Life changes so many things though. I hope her's remains as happy as it has been. I got to the shore for a night a couple weeks before that, that was kind of fun Nick, his sister and I went to the beach to watch the sunrise but the sun did not rise propoerly due to all the haze and grossness that that day turned out to be but we had some fun trying anyway.

As far as stuff with Nick goes i'd have to say things are going really really well. It's tough sometimes cause we can both be kind of busy, well him more than me but well i only work and still have no friends. It's kewl though i've certainly adjusted to my alone times and well i kind of like having them again. I kind of start to miss them when i don't get them. And then there are moments like thursday where i just missed him like crazy but it was kewl i got to see him later thursday night. I wish i could actually put into words what this relationship is like for me the only thing i can say is that it's diferent so much diferent that i can't even compare it to any relationship i've had in the past.

Anyway back to what i've been up to. Before that Mir was here from Arizona for the fair and I went home to see her for a couple of days and go to the fair. I think for once it may have been a little bit awkward between us. I was kind of quite at times and i think she took that as being grouchy but i didn't mean for it to come off that way. I guess maybe i got to used to exsisting in my own little world that to be in the real world it i was quite. I miss her though. Hell maybe if i get this new job i could actually afford to fly out and see her. That would be totally awesome.

Jumping a little forward in time again but a little back too lol. The weekend of Ashley's wedding. So we got to see Kim and Dustin and i haven't seen them in like 2 years. There little girl got so big. She all tried to hit on my boyfriend lol tried to kiss him on the cheeks it was adorable. She is adorable i wonder how the pictures i took of her stealing someones shoes under that table turned out. We got to hang out with Matt and his son too. He just stared at Nick totally fascinated. Lol Nick will be a cute dad whenever he has kids. Oh and can i also mention how Ashley's grandmother was all like he's really good looking don't let this one get away. So yeah little kids and old lady's love my boyfriend its kind funny and really cute. =o] lol but well what's there not to love.

So i move into my apartment next week part of me can't wait. Part of me could totally wait. I kind of like having Nick's mom there to talk to sometimes she's pretty kewl and we dont' really talk about anything major or anything just like someone to talk to in general ya know. I like talking to people i'm a pretty social person so why is it so hard for me to make friends. Alright blah. I've writen enough i guess i've kind of updated eveyone even though it's been a bit scattered. Cathch ya'll later try not to get too confused by my journal.

Stressed about finding a home =o]

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 01:37:32 GMT

So I really want my own place. Really really really badly but it seems that like i suck. So far i've seen 3 apartments. The first one i didn't make enough money so they can't rent to me. The second was well kind of a dump and not worth the money they wanted me to pay. The third was resonably cute but a i little bit more out of the way than i wanted to go and a little bit more expensive than i wanted to go but it includes all utilities besides for cable and like a phone so all like normal utilities, heat, water, electric. So i'm not so sure how i feel about that. I liked it, it was a cute place. I'm afriad to go for that though because it really doesn't leave me much left over at the end of the month. So i get to see a studio on saturday and i'm really kind of more hopeful about that one. It's a bit cheaper and i'm only one person so i don't think i'll be using all that electricity that the other place seems to think i'll be covering. I dont' know i told her i'd call her on saturday after i saw this other place and if her place it still available then maybe. I just want someone place to leave where i can come home and dump my stuff where the hell i want to and it not matter. Lol and i guess i want the freedom to just walk around naked cause well why the hell not. Or i could even paint naked that might be fun. Anyway enough about me being naked lets move on. I'm stressed i hate being stressed. Again can we refer to how i was hopeful that life wouldn't be as stressful once i didn't have school work involved well life still definatly stressful. Oh and my mom i love her to death but she needs to stop worrying about me cause it freaks me out. I get more stressed cause she is stressed for me. I wish i could go find a really big mountain and just scream at the top of my lungs and let a little bit of stress out. Or a lot depending on how long i can scream. And then i've got other stuff going on in my head. Anyway later...

Wicked bored and lonely

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 04:47:40 GMT

i should be asleep as is usually the case. I discovered i can pick up a bar of wireless service laying in bed at Nick's mom's. I have to say that kind of makes me happy though at any second there is the chance it will fail out and I will be kicked.

So well i've been here a week today. To be honest it's been kind of boring so far and i really really need to make friends. I'm not so sure where i'm going to do that or how i'm going to do that but that's alright. So far Nick's mom has taken pity on me and has spent a few night just kind of chillin with me. Like last night we went to this Billy Joel Tribute thing where this guy played all Billy Joel songs for an outdoor concert. I was pretty kewl but i wished Nick could have been there because it would have kinda been a fun couples thing. He had to work as he has been doing all week long so the only time i really get to see him is at night. I'm okay with that except for when i need to be asleep for work becuase i have to get up at 7. Even so i find myself staying awake despite myself just to see him. So yeah all in all i need friends so that i don't spend my time waiting for my boyfriend to have free time for me cause well let's face it he shouldn't have to spend all of his free time with me. He's got friends and family that want to see him to and it is nice to just spend some time alone sometimes. I know this being an only child i do crave being alone often when i've been around poeple a little bit too much. His mom also hung out with me tonight we rented movies from blockbuster got junk food played scrable and watched homeward bound with Nick's sister Angela and little brother Joey. It was fun Angel won at scrable but i didn't do so bad.

So i'm not in school so how is it that i go about making friends? Anyone got any suggestions that wouldn't make me feel too intimidated to try. Work is sort of out of the question because well i work with mostly guys and i don't see enough of the girls to try and actually be friend them becuase they come in when i'm leaving. There is Nancy but she's gotta be over 50 and well that doesn't really cover the real mind to mind friendship i'm looking for. The friends with the guys i work with doesn't really work because that could just get weird and stupid and cause issues that don't need to be there or arn't even really there just in people's heads. So how do you find friends your own age when your alone and have to find stuff on your own but are so shy it's rediculous? I don't know i should stop rambling and just sleep. I wish i wasn't so lonely it would make sleep come easier. Maybe eventually Chris Holly will have time for me or Jason will be back again and the adventure of going to whereever it is that he lives wont be scary. specialy now i know i can get wireless here even if it's just a bit i can get driving directions without having to borrow Nick's sisters computer or having to go over to Nick's grandfathers and using his wireless connection. Alright truely shutting up.... goodnight

My boring life

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 01:12:26 GMT

Chillaxing at Matt's parents house. Spending some time with Matt, Nora and my new nephew while i'm still here. That's right i'm finally leaving this tiny little town and moving away. I got a job at another CVS but this time as a photo lab supervisor. I know still not so great. And well the pay still really sucks but it's a job and it allows me to relocate more easily. So I leave to go to Delaware county PA on Monday where i will be staying with my boyfriend's mother until i can find an apartment and hopefully that wont be too long. For one i don't want to impose longer than i should and well i can't wait to have my own place. I've been saving money as best as i can ya know so i can afford first months, last months, and the security deposit. I've got it covered plus almost another 2 months rent or whatever it is i choose to put it towards. I'll have my whole entire own space to do with it whatever i please. Of course people have to come visit me so i don't get lonely. Although hopefully Nick will be around as much as he can but he has school and work and lots of family stuff. For now though i have every weekend off and the capablity of making that atleast a little bit flexable. I need a better job though so i can start actually paying off my student loans. This is a boring entry. I don't have a whole lot to say my life is going pretty smoothly so it leaves for rather uninteresting entries but i figured that since i haven't writen in a really long time it was time to write again. Maybe i'll get inspired again soon but until then your stuck. Catch ya'll later. =o]

shoot me in the face

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 17:17:04 GMT

So i'm sitting at Matt's parents house and well no one is here. Kind of lonley. Doing the aparment and job hunt thing which is starting to make me just a little bit crazy. I'm not really good at this and i'm not entirely sure that i know exactly what i'm looking for and it truely doesn't help that i'm sooooo freaking far away thought it's really not that far away becasue well Miranda did it and she went from NY to Arizona. So in reality my far away not so far away as her far away but still annoying difficult. I truely just want to get out of this area. I hate it here. I'm tired of spending my night starting at my walls and watching whatever movies i can get my hands on. I'm also a little scared can i add that cause well i've never done this sort of thing before and i guess i'm afraid of getting totally screwed over with the whole apartment thing and then just kind of being stuck with it. I'm stressed very very freaking stressed. I hate worrying about work and where i'm going to live. I thought school was stressful this is like 10x more stressful than school ever was. Only because this is my life and not just some stupid paper that's due in a couple days. Though my life isn't due in a couple of days and i've got time to figure things out i hate waiting. I hate wondering and i hate worrying. Ahhh shoot me in the face.

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 05:08:15 GMT

So i graduated from hofstra a week and a half ago. The end of the year lets say wasn't particularly easy. I said goodbye to some very good people and I already miss many of them like crazy. Also with the end my ideas for my future are of course constantly changing. I gave up on the idea of going to live in Puerto Rico for a year a lot to do with the fact that my dad sucks. He all wanted to go to my graduation and then just ditched on me. And well since i mentioned the idea he hasn't brought it up to me once and i'm not going to make plans to do anything like that when he clearly doesn't seem that interested. He's kinda pissed off so maybe he does care but if he really wanted it he would have started working on it with me. So my next thought for where i'm going is well Philadelphia. I know to most of you this will seem kind of random and not really within my tradjected path. But as i said in an earlier entry my plans are going to change a lot and who the heck knows where i'm really end up. Alright anyway so my summer started i was home for less than a week before i took off. I ran away to spend some time with this guy Nick in Philadelphia funny how that's where i want to live hehe. Anyway. Spent some time chillin on the beach and hanging out with him and his mom's side of the family and his little brother. It was fun. It was a good get away since i was home for like 2 days and wanted to run away. Starting work helped to settle me some but i still hate home. I can't stay here. I'll apply to jobs around here just for a fall back plan but i don't want to stay here. I really plan to do all that is in my power to just leave. So clearly unless your silly i'm totally interested in this guy Nick. I'm not really sure how it all happened. Okay i sorta know how it all happened but it was random. lol. I met him in september and well timing as usual not my friend but we became friends which was kewl. So we've been dating nothing serious just very casual because nither of is particularly interesting in getting hurt and I really like the slow pace it's taking. We are really getting to know each other and we are really close. He's easy to talk to and well he kind of pulled me back to some of the dreams i gave up when i gave up Alex. Sounds crazy i know to move to another city for something that isn't overly serious but i guess i like that. Because i like freedom. He's someone i'll know along with like 3 other people. I've come to realize i function a lot better in realtionships without a defination. I guess it keeps me from feeling trapped. Also it makes me feel like the chase is still there. I like the chase it's the best part lol. And Nick doesn't exactly hand himself over to me on a silver platter i've got to work for the informtation i get and i love that because it's like this whole building trust thing. I don't knwo we'll see what happenes. So yeah who knows. Really hoping to make some good plans to get out of here. Alright as usual pretty scattered but it doesn't help that matt came in near the end to read over my shoulder and completely distract me from my thoughts. Oh well. No biggy right now eventually. I don't have the net for the summer so it might not be very much.

Still Broken

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 05:01:09 GMT

So i tried to write an entry last night but i didn't have enough free thought flow to actually be able to say whatever it was swarming my mind. I don't know if right this second is better but well i guess we'll see. Maybe i'll atleast show people this entry instead of just closing my browser and letting it vanish forever. So i went home over spring break and it was relaxing. I did break up with Jonathan though. I kind of came to realize how not ready i was to be in another serious relationship. How i didn't have the strength to want to make a relationship work not when i still have wounds that keep opening up every time i come across i random memory that wants to make my heart shatter some more. I guess even though i've found myself i'm still not completely whole again and it might take a lot longer than i wanted it to to actually make me whole again. So i'm not looking for a realtionship and i don't want one again until i really know that i'm not still getting ripped apart by stupid memories, just being in the stupid mountains of deleware county burns memories into my head that were so good but yet in some part sooo fake. They at the time made me pretty happy though no matter how fake they may have been. So I'm kind of tired of being the broken basketcase but unforuntally until i actually heal i have to stay this way. I just have to be as patient as possible and oddly enough i think that's why i met Jonathan. He was put into my life to teach me to be patient. Whether with art or with life. He's a good guy that's for sure and luckily he's still talking to me. But so i learned something the other night or figured something out. There is a reason that part of me is still in what has passed. Alex is the only guy i have ever actually settled for. I always fought my relationship in the past. Atleast partly. I'd stay with the guys and there were several i really did like but i never really 'tamed' myself for anyone not until Alex. I let myself fall completely without any control or barier. i got screwed in the end but hell that happens. In time i'll let myself do it again but right at the moment i'm still a little too battered and bruised to want to risk that type of pain again. So anyway i've decided so that i don't hurt anyone again like i have Jonathan i don't want another boyfriend for atleast a year. So next spring this time. I have some more mountains i need to get over before i'll be ready to commit again. And as usually the best plans always fail so even though that's my plan who the hell knows. Oh by the way it frustrates me to still be writing about alex a good 4 months later. I feel like i shouldn't be, but who's to say what i should be feeling. I guess i need to not worry about that cause well i'm sick of feeling all icky inside to damn bad if the world doesn't agree or understand with why i'm not over it. Alright enough i guess i should be asleep but for some reason i turned into an insomniac and it's not like i have time for sleep another other time but now. I guess i'm just working at wearing myself into the ground again. Atleast i got a lot of sleep over spring break, now i get to mess all that rest up again. Alright Night.

This is my brain throwing up

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 07:32:28 GMT

So i figured i'd write this down before i forgot all the thoughts in my head and because it might actually explain some of why i'm suddenly like all depressed but most things in my life are going pretty well. So I realized that when i'm in relationships where the person i'm with isn't the center of my world i'm far more healthy than when i'm in relationships where the person is. This might be a logical thought to most people but wasn't always to me. I realized that when i was in relationships where that other person was the most important person to me it's only because i had lost who i was and needed someone else to help identify any parts of myself. And then also looking at it instead of as just putting a person as the center of my world even trying to make a relationship the center of my world doesn't work. It's just not functional for me. If i choose one relationship over another the other relationships start to fall apart. This being my relationships with friends and family. For example when Jon and I first got together I was on the phone with him everynight and my relationship with my roommate who i care very much about started to crash because i wasn't giving it as much attention as it deserved. And if i make it so atleast all my relationships get a little attention they dont' fall apart so easily. And then i have relationships with friends that i've been with for so long that when we don't talk for a while it doesn't fall apart. We both just seem to know that we are both living out own lives and that happenes. This happenes most often with my 3 oldest friends, Miranda, Brenda, and Matt. They've known me for so long that even when we start to drift a bit we are still close. We know each other is still there just busy doing other things for a while. Oh and then there is of course people like James, Journey and even Shannon who i may not get to talk to all the time or see all the time but i still care and i think even when i'm not around all the time to be like hey what's up they still care about me too. But moving on i've found that like my mom when her and i went like all crazy and our relationship crashed and fell apart she was expecting me to make her be the first person every time or all the time and i couldn't do that and to be honest i didn't want to do that. Then i'm now having that issue with my grandmother she wants my life when i'm home to be about her and it can't be. There are just other people in my life that are just as important as she is. My friends are like my family. I never had close siblings to fall back on or have be particularly supportive that was always my friends. And as a result my friends are sometimes treated more like family than my actual family is. So pretty much in reflection. As much as I loved Alex that relationship was one of the most unhealthy relationships i've ever been in because i didn't even know who i was anymore and i tried to put that relationship above absoultly everything else. And i've learned to try not to put my relationships in a heirarchical order because then it just dooms one of them to fail. I guess i just hope everyone knows i love them all and i hope they understand when sometimes i can't choose them to be first over someone else because that not exactly an easy decision to make. But so in starting a new relationship it almost made me depressed i think because i'm so afraid of losing myself again. I know Jonathan is not out to make me change or forget others in my life but i've been left so scared from the last relationship that almost the idea of a serious love relationship makes me depressed and scared that i can't just be me. So i'm working on adjusting and it will happen but time is everything. Alright now that i've thrown up my brain i'll maybe sleep. Night all

Sometimes i just don't know

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 17:49:04 GMT

So something is up with me. I can't even quite figure out just what it is but i'm not happy. I should be... I don't really have anything to be unhappy about unless you count fighting with my grandma but that stuff only has so much of an impact on me. I'm like depressed and sitting in this funk with what feels like no way to fix it becuase i don't even really know what it is. I've only been into my Archives job once this week and today i didn't even bother to call out i just didn't go in. It's normally for me to do the depressed thing durning winter it's just really a me thing that i go through like every year but usually i atleast know what i'm depressed about. I feel so like dead, when i know i should just be feeling alive. I don't know something just isn't right so if i seem off i am until i figure out what it is and get by it. alright later i guess. This was meant to be longer but i really don't even have anything to say.

Disconnect

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 04:38:16 GMT

So kinda weird kinda funny. Meg asked me about a book on my bookshelf tonight and i had to think really hard about what class it was for and when i took the class. I took the class last semester. So really not that long ago. Very recently so why did i forget so quickly that last semester was only like 3 months ago? I feel like my whole world has changed and 3 months ago was a million years ago. I guess it just shows how much i've really truely let go. That's important. I'm quite good with the completely different world i'm living in this semester. I don't know just needed to right that down i guess. That's it... Later.